1.59 Can we talk

Kay’s head was full of confused thoughts. ‘My professor is right I love Jake but I have to do it step by step. Then there is Matt, I want quality time with him without Hazel around. 

Kay was snapped out of her thoughts by a knock at the door and when she answered there was no-one there, accept a vase of flowers with a card. She brought them in and saw the card was addressed to her and it read,

Kay,

I would like to invite you to dinner so we can talk, please say yes

Love Jake

Xxx

Suddenly that warm glow had crept back on her face so she dialled his number. When Jake answered she asked, “Why didn’t you stay when you dropped the flowers, which by the way are very beautiful.”

“As are you, Kay. I just thought it would be better for you to feel no pressure and me standing there with flowers…well, you might have said no.”

“It’s not a formal dress up date?”

“No, I just want to talk and I begged Dad to pull some strings to get into this restaurant. As it has beautiful views so all I need is you to make it perfect.”

Restaurant

Jake had been waiting thirty minutes for Kay to show up. He started to wonder if she had changed her mind. Suddenly he saw Kay enter the restaurant. 

He stood up as she approached the table and smiled at her as she took her seat and said, “You look wonderful.”

Kay smiled as she remembered what her professor told her, no pressure and try and let him hold your hand. “I decided I could do with dressing up, I hope it’s ok. Anyway what did you want to talk about?”

“I miss you, Kay. Please talk to me.” 

Kay took a deep breath and replied, “What do you want to know?”

“I want to know everything but what to do you want to tell me?” Kay had a tear down her face when she said, “I miss you too and I want the way things were between us. How I hate feeling like this. How I’m in so much conflict right now.”

Jake reached for her hand and this time Kay let him. Kay continued, “When I was a toddler my Dad came into my room and tried to get into bed with me naked but my Mum walked in.” Jake squeezed her hand tighter as he listened intently to her, “I felt sick and scared but I thought I dealt with it. When he told me who he was I had that sick feeling again and when he tried to touch me all I could think was how could he do this to me. I never did anything to him. When he said those vile things to me all I wanted to do was be with you. Sounds stupid right? Since I’ve been trying to avoid you.” Kay was starting to tear up so Jake told the waiter to hold their food as Kay needed some air.

Jake sat next to her and said, “This was a stupid idea…” Kay cut him off, “What! No it wasn’t. It was a sweet and romantic idea.” She leaned against Jake’s shoulder and he froze too scared to move in case she pulled away again. “I’m glad you’re still here Jake…”

“I love you too much to give in…”

“It’s getting colder can we go back in?” 

Jake held her hand as they walked back in.

Kay tried a few times to talk to Jake about everything but on occasion she broke down in tears. Jake asked for the bill and insisted he drove Kay home. 

He walked her to the front door and Kay turned to him and said, “I am sorry about tonight.”

“Don’t be sorry. I’m just glad you are talking to me again.” As Jake was walking away Kay was half way in the door when she saw Spencer, “Kay, invite Jake in.” He gave a reassuring smile and just as Jake was about to get in his car he heard Kay shout. He shut the door as he saw her walk towards him and met her halfway.

“Is everything alright?”

“Would you like to come inside so we can talk more?” Jake’s smile said it all as he followed her inside. 

They saw Spencer and Tracy sitting watching TV as they walked in, “Jake is your car outside?” Jake nodded in surprise at the question as Spencer added, “Let’s put your car in the garage because it will be safer in there than out on the street.”

When they left Tracy asked, “Did you have a good evening?” Kay threw herself onto the sofa, “I cried most of the evening.”

“Kay, I know that I’ll never replace your Mum but if you ever need to talk, I am here.” Kay smiled at her and asked, “How can I be me again, with Jake?”

“I’d say one day at a time and do you love him?”

“I do but when the thought of Jake and I together in bed…”

“You can say it Kay! You mean having sex.”

“Yes that’s it but when I do it suddenly gets replaced by him.” 

Kay was getting angry and upset when Tracy asked, “Why did you invite Jake in tonight?”

“Dad said…”

“Spenc, encouraged you but you were the one who shouted after Jake because I think deep down you want him here.”

“Ok Spencer what was the real reason you called me to the garage?”

“I want to know how tonight went?”

“She talked and cried. I hate seeing her like this.”

“At least she is talking to you. Listen what are you doing on Kay’s birthday?”

“Oh shit I forgot with all this going on.”

“Don’t worry you have time it’s in a few weeks and I’m arranging a party for her. I would like you there. I’ve asked your parents…”

“You what?” Jake was now in a panic and Spencer smiled as he said, “Don’t worry it’s not a surprise engagement or wedding for you and Kay…”

“Very funny; why the big event? Kay might not be up to it.”

“It is an important day for Kay and I want to make it special for her.” Jake hated asking but had to know, “And that bastard?”

“He is facing prosecution and they are looking into just using Kay’s statement rather than her having to go to court.”

“Good.” 

Jake headed to the door to go back to Kay when Spencer asked, “What are your intentions towards Kay.”

“Jake stopped and said in a low voice, “This goes no further but you and me,” Spencer agreed as Jake continued, “Kay got to me like I thought no woman would. She is all I think about so all I know is I want to spend the rest of my life with Kay.”

“Do you mean marriage?”

“I would like that but being with her is what matters at the moment.” Spencer followed Jake back into the house and Tracy asked Spencer to help her in the kitchen. 

Jake sat next to Kay, “Do you think they want us to be alone?”

“Maybe, Jake...never mind…” Kay fell silent feeling torn about what she thought she should do and wanted to do.

“Kay!” Tracy glanced over at Kay and nodded a smile as Kay took a deep breath and asked, “Jake could you stay the night?” Jake was in shock as he asked carefully, “How do you mean?”

“I miss us; I miss you just holding me.”

When they were alone in Kay’s room Jake lay on the bed waiting for Kay to change. His head was spinning, ‘Is this right? Should I be here? Will this make things worse?’ When Kay finally came out of the bathroom in PJ’s, she lay next to Jake. 

He spoke with a nervous tone and asked, “Kay, are you sure you want me here?”

“I’m just trying to listen to my counsellor and I know that I am comfortable with you and I trust you. Would you be ok just holding me until I slept?”

“I’d like that but I think once you fall asleep, I will sleep on the floor for now.” 

Kay agreed and Jake scooped her up in his arms and just held her until she fell asleep. When she had finally closed her eyes he kissed her forehead and in a whisper said, “I love you Kay.” Then he made his way to the sleeping bag on the floor.

1.58 Let them help you

In the kitchen the girls were getting snacks and drinks ready when Kirsten asked, “When are you going to stay here again?”

“I miss you too Kirsten.”

“Well my best friend is at university and my future sister in-law isn’t here and I’m stuck with grown children.” Kay was in shock at the statement and in a panic asked, “What did you say?”

“Sorry forget I said it, please don’t take off. Jake will kill me.”

“Has he said something?”

“No it’s just the way he is with you and you are with him…I know it’s silly but I just thought you’d get married.”

Kay sat on the counter, “You know before this happened I thought of a future but now…”

“Please Kay think happy it’s the only way.”

Andrew shouted from the living room that the film was ready. Jake was upset he was resigned to a chair when all he could think about was Kay sitting on his lap while they watched a film together. Kirsten snuggled up to Andrew on the sofa and Kay took the other chair and smiled at Jake.

She noticed how comfortable Kirsten looked and thought, ‘I miss that, Jake’s arms around me. I miss the nights when he holds me so I don’t feel alone, why can’t I let him near me? I did it the other day but why not now?’

After the film had finished she told Jake to get some rest and went to her appointment.

Counselling Office

Kay looked angry and upset as she paced the floor, “Kay are you ok?”

“No, I want my life back. I want to be with my boyfriend again but why can’t I?”

“Kay, you need to let go and talk about what happened.” 

Kay sat there and decided to try and talk, “The other day you asked when? Well I was 3 or 4 years old. I was woken by a noise and there standing in front of me was him my…my…Dad, he was naked. He walked over and pulled back the covers and said we were going to play a game. I felt sick and scared but thankfully as he was getting into bed my Mum walked in and screamed at him. They started to argue and I ran. I saw my Dad in the street.”

“You mean Spencer?”

“He is my Dad, anyway I told him Mum and Dad were arguing and he took me back to the house but when Mum told him what happened…well he punched my Dad and threw him out. Next thing I knew I was at the doctors with policewoman there and my Mum.”

“Did the doctors help you?”

“I thought so until he turned up again. There now I told you will this help me.”

“It’s a start. Tell me about your boyfriend.”

“Jake, what’s there to tell…”

“You must like him or you wouldn’t be dating.”

“Well he’s Jake, did you know he nagged me into a date.”

“He is good looking?”

Kay softened her expression as she let a smile across her face, “Very good looking and boy can he kiss.”

“Didn’t you tell me he was a firefighter?”

Kay nodded and the professor added, “Does it bother you?”

“Sometimes but I can’t ask him to quit. I mean we’ve only been going out about 6 weeks.”

“Does he know what happened?”

“I told him about when I was younger and he knows about this too except…” Kay fell silent and the professor spoke, “Except this is what is causing the conflict within you? The man you have fallen for is now the one you are pushing away yet you want to let him near you.”

Kay looked at the floor as she continued, “You know it is all up to you. If he loves you then he will wait but remember he might not wait forever.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean he won’t wait years but that doesn’t mean he will expect you to have sex straight away either. You need to open up here with Jake and the others in your life you need to decide can you trust them and take it day by day. With your boyfriend for example let him hold your hand or cuddle you to start and move on from there but it has to be when you are ready and with no pressure on you. Remember the key here is to talk to him and if you love him don’t shut him out.”

“Everyone has said that.”

“It sounds like you have good family and friends.”

“I do.”

“Then let them help you.”

1.57 Don't shut me out

Andrew had seen Kirsten in the pool and joined her pulling her close, “Andy I can’t while Jake is ill. It doesn’t feel right.”

“Jake is fine, your parents cancelled their trip and are looking after him…” Kirsten tilted her head slightly with the look, “Ok your Mum is babying him but Kay is doing most of the work. Talking of Kay I haven’t seen her.”

Kirsten pulled away from Andrew’s arms and got out of the pool and he followed her and gently put his arms around her again, “Matt says Kay went for her first session yesterday and it shook her to the core. Jake tried to get out of bed but he’s still too weak.”

“Kirst, stop worrying Jake is getting better. He just wants to see Kay.”

Jake wanted to talk to Kay and rang her; he rang a few times before she picked up the phone, “Hay.”

“Jake, I was sleeping…”

“Sorry but I wanted to know how you were.”

“I’m tired can we talk later?”

“Kay, please don’t shut me out.”

“I just need time and I’m trying not to.”

“Then please come here so we can talk.”

Kay started to cry down the phone, “I want to but I can’t.” Kay then hung up and Jake threw the phone across the room and yelled, “You fucking bastard, she was doing ok till you entered her life.” 

Jake couldn’t take it and got out of bed staggering to get dressed and almost fell down the stairs. When Andrew saw him he demanded to know what Jake was doing out of bed.

“Kay needs me.” 

Andrew tried to protest but Jake gave Andrew an ultimatum, “Either help me get there or I’ll drive myself over there.” Andrew agreed and drove Jake to the house. Spencer was angry to see Jake in this state and out of bed. He sat him down and went and got Kay. 

When she saw how weak he was she burst into tears. Weak as Jake was he went over to Kay and held her but she pulled away, “Jake I need time…”

“I was just hugging you. You were crying and I don’t like seeing tears on your face.”

“I wish things were different but it feels wrong.” 

Jake was emotional himself and lost his temper at Kay even though he knew it wasn’t her fault, “Wrong…how can it be wrong for me the man you love to want to hold you when you are crying?”

Kay jumped and looked scared and ran from the room. 

Jake turned to Spencer and with a heartbroken tone said, “I’ve blown it, haven’t I?”

“I can see it’s frustrating for you but if you love her now is the time not to push. I know it’s easier said than done. My advice, build up your strength to be there for her when she comes to you.”

“Tell her I’m sorry.” Andrew gave a half smile at Spencer and took Jake home.

Spencer knocked on the door and entered Kay’s room, “You know he didn’t mean to lose his temper with you.” 

Kay sat up and replied, “I know he didn’t he just looked so angry.”

“Kay, he wants to help.”

“I know but I’m so torn. I love him so much and part of me wants his arms wrapped around me but the other part can’t stand his arms around me.”

“But he never hurt you.”

“I know…why is this so hard?” Spencer couldn’t answer and decided it was time to leave her room. 

After he left Kay stared at her phone and rang Jake but there was no answer so rang the house. Kirsten got Jake and he said, “I’m sorry.”

“It’s not you Jake…” Kay started to cry again, “Babe, please don’t cry.”

“I messed up everything, haven’t I?”

“It’s not you, it’s…it’s his fault.”

“Can we talk about something else.”

“Ok…how about my Mum is getting on my nerves trying to force feed me like I was a baby.” Kay let a little laugh out, “Well you do need to eat. Why didn’t you answer your phone?”

“I threw it in temper. Listen Kay I know I’m asking a lot but can I see you…you know like a date?”

“I don’t think I’m ready for that…”

“I promise to not do anything.” Kay so wanted to have the date but was really torn and asked, “I’ll come over before my appointment if Kirsten and Andrew are there.”

Jake agreed and when the call ended said to his sister, “Kay is here tomorrow so are you and Andrew.” Kirsten could see how much it meant to him so agreed.

1.56 Anywhere but here

Matt stood there while Hazel wrapped her arms around him and softly said, “Kay will be ok.” Matt sighed, “I don’t know…” Matt paused and Hazel asked, “What aren’t you telling me?”

Matt walked over to the bed and sat down, “After Kay saw Jake I spoke to her, you can see in her eyes she still loves him but I don’t know…when she was talking you could sense that she was holding back and I’m afraid that if she doesn’t get help we will all lose the Kay we know.”

“Jake seemed happy after Kay had visited him, Kirsten told me.” 

Matt got up and put his arms around her and with an upset tone replied, “Jake is going to lose her, I’m losing her because she is burying what happened and won’t talk about it.”

Hazel was confused and asked, “Matt, Kay and Jake are talking…”

“I know but she’s not telling him or anyone what really went on. When I left her she started to cry. Dad told me that when she came home she went to take a nap all he could hear was screams coming from her but she was asleep.”

Hazel kissed Matt and told him to speak to Jake.

Matt walked into the bedroom to find Jake lying there, “How are you feeling?”

“Better now I’ve eaten and with my own personal doctor looking after me, I’m doing great.” Matt was pleased to see Jake smile but said, “We have to talk about Kay.” One thing Jake wasn’t and that was stupid, “You mean her withholding what happened and that every time I want to hold her the scared look that I could hurt her.”

“Jake you could lose her.”

“Never going to happen, Matt. I love her too much.”

“Jake…”

“Don’t Jake me. I spoke to your Dad this morning and we have made an appointment for Kay to see someone…” Matt interrupted him, “Does Kay know about this?” Jake shook his head, “Spencer made the appointment and is taking her there this afternoon. I want my girl back.”

“Jake I’m glad you aren’t using her…”

“Using her…I am crazy about her and my Dad was right, I need to rely on more than just sex for a real relationship but this wasn’t the way I wanted it to happen.”

Matt looked at Jake and said, “I really am happy that you are looking out for Kay but you should also encourage her back to the campus.” Jake started to yell, “Are you crazy?”

Matt yelled back, “Stop being the jealous boyfriend, will you? My sister needs to have normality back in her life; her family, you and her studies and you know I’m right?”

“Let me have a bit of time with her.”

“I’m not talking about tomorrow but over the next few months.”

“Ok but I won’t push it yet.”

Counselling office

“Dad, why are we here?” Spencer opened Kay’s door and replied, “Kay, I’m worried about you. In fact we all are and I want you to talk to someone…” Kay screamed at him, “I just want to forget about it.” 

She tried to open the car door but Spencer now stood in front of the door. “Kay please, if you don’t want to come back fine but please go to this session and then take it from there.”

Kay reluctantly agreed to go inside but was shocked to see her professor sitting on the desk, “Kay please take a seat.” 

Kay sat down and then the questions started, “I see you are shocked to see me? Well I still run a private practice and when I saw your name I knew I had to help because I know I don’t want to lose one of my best students. Now what do you hope to get out of these sessions?”

Kay looked blank at her professor and said, “Any magic wand so I can forget and go back to the way things were?”

“I’m afraid not Kay. Let’s start with something easy, your family, tell me about them. Tell me about your mother?”

Kay had a slight smile on her face as she recounted about her childhood with her Mum. Then she was asked, “What did she look like?”

“Before she died someone once commented on how we could pass for sisters, I still miss her…” Kay paused and then added, “She would know how to make this better…”

“Kay, I understand you miss her.” Then she paused and said, “Tell me about your relationship with Mathew Dark.”

“Matt…he’s like a brother to me, not that I get quality time with him because of his fiancée.” 

Kay started to pace the floor, “Don’t get me wrong, I like Hazel but I need him too.”

“Have you ever told her this?”

Kay shook her head. “Are you afraid of Hazel?”

“What…no, they were going through issues lately so I just left it. I was going to talk to them but…”

“Maybe now you should speak to both of them because you will need their support. Who is Spencer and what is he to you?”

“Spencer is Matt’s Dad…well he’s my Dad too.”

“He is the Dad you always wanted?”
Kay sat looking at her and took a deep breath and replied, “No he is my Dad, he’s always been there unlike…”

“Unlike your real Dad?” Kay just stared at her and coldly said, “I don’t want to talk about him…Spencer is my Dad.”

“Kay you need…”

“Look I told you Spencer is my Dad so just drop it.” 

Spencer was outside and he could hear Kay’s raised voice and sat there thinking he had pushed too hard but then the thought of losing the Kay he loved scared him. It was supposed to be a happy time with a new baby on the way but the happiness was being overshadowed by this horrible event in their lives. The last time he saw Kay’s Mum he’d always promised to look out for her. The thought had crossed his mind to call in a favour from either Estevan or Will but he lost Tracy once and was not prepared to lose her again.

Kay slid down the door after she gave up trying to leave, “I hate him…”

“Go on.”

“Why did he hurt me I was his daughter, I was surrounded by my toys and then he came out of the shadows like…” Kay broke down in tears.

“Are you saying he tried this before?” All Kay could do was nod, “How old were you?” Kay kept crying and couldn’t answer. She knew Kay getting this far was a start so decided to leave it for now. She handed Kay some tissues and recommended that she saw her twice a week to start and they would take it from there.